Fight songs for lovers

Getting married isn't an accomplishment, but staying married is, and staying married is an accomplishment I'd like the bragging rights to one day. Today, for example: still married.

John Gottman, who runs the famous Love Lab (his book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work below), has data that proves that long-lasting couples don't disagree any less than troubled couples do. That's a relief, because my Beloved and I disagree ALL THE TIME.

Sometimes, these disagreements cannot really be resolved. Gottman says that's ok and sort of inevitable. A person with a bad elbow, he'd explain, can live a great life as long as he doesn't make playing tennis a central part of it. Cute metaphor, Johnny-boy, but it's not my elbow! It's my husband. How do I not I kill him? I use this playlist:

Flowers for the New Year

My new year well-wishes were worth every lucky dollar.

Because Lunar New Year is not a national holiday where I live, the boisterous celebration of hope will have to wait until next Saturday. I don't mind. I been waiting a while for a new start.

Two years ago, Tet was on a Sunday (and also Valentine's Day), so I'd planned an epic New Year's Eve party with delights like home-made mangosteen sorbet. My mom was coming from out of state to be a part of my Beloved's proposal - and we would be able to announce our engagement at the party, too. But that week, the sort of tragedy that stops time happened - time like the helpless moment when you've lost control of your car. I've been stuck in that fishtail moment, that terrible sliding before nothing-good, but this year, I finally feel my life coming un-paused.

When we have kids...

 My Beloved last night: Maybe when we have kids, we should give them one present on Christmas Eve to keep that German tradition, but give them another present on Christmas morning like the American kids.

Me: That could work.

Beloved: They'll post about their early presents on Facebook or whatever, and all the other kids will be jealous and wish they had a German dad!

Me: Yeah. No one wants an Asian mom.

At least Buddhist children don't get punished by Krampus.

 

Can he stay? In America?

What we wore. Are we a more plausible couple with my hair down or my eyes closed?

It's not often that a relationship blogger is summoned by the government to demonstrate the legitimacy of her marriage, so I just had to take a break from marital bliss to give you the highlights from our interview with the Department of Homeland Security, Citizenship and Immigration Services, yesterday.

Immigration Official: When you met him, what made him stand out to you?

Me: HA! (nervous laughter)

IO: It's just my job to ask questions.

Mom's Unconditional Love

I finished reading The Art of Description by Mark Doty over two months ago, but I can't shelve the book, because I keep needing to read this poem he quotes to feel sane.  It's the poem I've been in no shape to write.  Do you identify with the mother racked with unconditional love? The practical, and probably rightly angry speaker?  Or the speaker at the end, who suddenly realizes and marvels at the weight of this mother's love - as mysterious and beautiful as the moon?

How's Married Life?

I separated 3 packs of M&Ms by color to decorate this
Eurovision-Dusseldorf cake... for love.

1. How's married life?
2. Does it feel different being married?
3. What's your new name?

These are the most common questions I've fielded since my wedding, and that can mean only one thing: the People demand a Shut Up and Love blog post on these three topics.

Here's a full report, eight dear readers: weddings and marriages have nothing to do with each other.

Wed.

In Texas, where I'm from, there's a three-day waiting period to marry (3 days longer than it takes to purchase a firearm, by the way, which is why you shouldn't mess with Texas), so a little over a month ago, my Beloved and I flew to my hometown the Tuesday before we were to be wed there.

Soon after, our friends and family started arriving from all over the country and the world - and we put them to work. Our celebration of love thereby turned into the grandest communal expression of it, and whatever heartache we felt when regretful RSVPs rolled in (they don't warn you how sad that part of wedding planning can be) melted before the exuberant faces of those who gave us the honor of their presence.

Cure for Cold Feet

A girlfriend said, "Imagine taking a guy's shirt off and seeing this." I'm posting this ad so someone can refer me to it if I get cold feet before the wedding. It reminds me that while my single life is worth a good bit of nostalgia, there are some distinct perks to committing to a partner with known abs.

Actually, I kind of want one for myself.

Cultural Differences: Wedding Planning

Mom: It's ok if they just say this part of the ceremony in German. Everyone will get the idea from the context.
Cousin: Germans can all speak English. They study it in school.
Uncle: How can you assume Germans speak English?  I live in America, and I don't speak English.

Mom: Since the reception will be Asian food, I'm going to serve French snacks and cake at the ceremony.
Uncle: Won't Germans be sick of French food?
Me: What does French culture have to do with anything?

Aunt: You really need to get serious about losing weight; your wedding's just around the corner.
Sister: Are you kidding? She's lost weight. This is Ivy SKINNY! 
Aunt: Oh my god.
UPDATE - I'm adding the rest of this conversation due to interest.

Happy New Year, Please

I didn't even have the energy to see it in theatres.

There was no Christmas newsletter letter this year, because I could not save up enough hope from the past 10 months for holiday-themed writing. This year was the darkest one yet for me. And I really thought I already had a couple doozies under my belt. My youngest brother killed himself, and my mother's beloved passed away. Grief casts such a long shadow that I feel pity for all the good agents with the misfortune of meeting my murky countenance this year: the release of Step Up 3D, for example, joining my strip aerobics dance class's first performance ensemble, and, of course, my Beloved asking me to marry him. The lows were so low that the highs only gave me enough air to go back under water.

Some years have taught me that we are stronger than we think we are, but this year, I learned that everyone has a breaking point. Several of you, eight dear readers, are unflagging optimists, and I love you for it. You may say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and everything happens for a reason - on your blog.

This has always been a pragmatist's blog. I will say that a healed bone was indeed once a broken bone, and thanks to many who must have read the mental illness posts, 2011 has a chance to be the best year yet.

4 Burning (Man) Questions

"There are only four questions of value: What is sacred?  What is worth dying for? What is worth living for? And what is the spirit made from?  The answer to each is the same - only love."  -A note from my friend Slumdog at Burning Man 2010 in the Black Rock Desert

Cohabitation Question

How the hey do you hide a wedding dress when your fiance is your roommate? Ideas?

3 Most Awesome Weddings Ever

Since I last wrote you, my dear seven readers, Spain won the World Cup, Proposition 8 was overturned by a federal judge, and my Betrothed and I moved in together. I'll spare you the sordid details of my own wedding planning (at least for now), and give you instead the fruits of my research. Behold: THE. MOST. AWESOME. WEDDINGS. EVER.*

SURPRISE BACKYARD WEDDING
You are invited to celebrate the engagement of Marisa and John...SIKE! Here's how you pull off a wedding in 7 days, people. Note her brother's amazing toast and how she scored a Romona Keveza dream dress.

"You don't need hands to hold her heart."

For honesty's sake

It's popular at a certain age to treat dating like a game, one where you manipulate people for sex or free meals, but playing with people's hearts, from whence their lifeblood flows, is cruel. I learned that lesson the hard way, and I decided to not be a player no more.

Hard as this is, I have to be honest with some men who no longer have a chance with me. Here goes...

Tony, Tony, Tony...please. I'm not In the Mood for Love with you anymore. We have to stop this Infernal Affair.

Adrian Brody, you knew from the get-go this was a rebound thing, because you're American Tony Leung, and I can't believe you have the nerve to call me after the Oscars when you kissed Halle Berry on national television. Wutev. Don't look at me like that. I'm engaged now.

My Beloved Proposed: An American Engagement

I always felt that public proposals in Hollywood movies are an impossible promise. The subtext is, "If you would forget that I've acted like a churl for the past 90 minutes of this film, I'll give you a life of cinematic romance. If you won't, everyone here will remember you as a witch even if you've been the movie's heroine."



Ever wonder why these movies don't have sequels? Because the sequel would be dashed dreams and resentment.

New look: You are air to me.

Have you ever run from someone you wanted to hold? Held a grudge longer than you could hold out hope? Hated yourself so much, you tried to be impossible to love? You’re not that special, you know. I’ve felt that way. And so has that lady on the train. And that dude that drops off your packages. And the person in the cubicle next to you. Just ask.

Shut Up and Love's new look, with the blurry people in the background, is about this universal vexation, how we feel and how others seem when we're loathe to love. See, people were lonely way before it was cool. And love –Love! - isn’t great. Lemon gelato, that’s great. Love is breathing for your soul. Does breathing count as great? Well, I guess so, to someone who was suffocating.

I’ll stop holding my breath, k? And you stop holding yours. Because you, my friend, are air to me. YOU are air to me. Is that weird? Gay? Unprofessional? To love you? Probably. But I love you. And I think you should love you, too. Yeah, it’s hard, but do it. Just shut up and love.

Relationship News Roundup

Men think about love, too.
And what thoughts! Somebody with a camera's going around asking men, “If you had one piece of advice that you’d give another man about love, what would it be?” Some answers are romantic, others pragmatic, but they all seem pretty honest to me. (Check out the site.)

Love in arranged marriages, lots of it
Studies show that love in love marriages start out high but decreases over time. Love in arranged marriages starts out relatively low, naturally, as in some cases the people barely know each other. This scientist found that the love in arranged marriages, however, then increases gradually, surpasses the love in the love marriages at about five years. And 10 years out, it’s twice as strong. (Listen to Scientific American podcast.)

The Scent of a Man
I always wondered how I could enjoy the sweaty stench of my Beloved. Apparently, his hotness is because his immune system is very different from mine. Someone's starting a dating site that includes a personality test and a genetic profile. (See the Washington Post article.)

Man marries pillow
A man in Korea has made a body pillow his bride. It's funny for about 2 seconds, before it's not. How isolated must we be for this to happen? (See the Huffington Post commentary.)

5 Things about Grief

Alternative title: why a relationship blogger might skip February.

1. There might be one “thank you for your sympathy card” card in the greeting card aisle, but it's ugly and overpriced. (I'm sad, not blind.) Memorize the copy inside and buy a cheap pack of blank cards.

2. “Parting,” as I've said, “is the cost of love.” Anguish is the cost of dying unexpectedly without a clear will. If you don't think you have a lot, you can have a will done in an hour today.

3. The worst time of the day is morning rush hour, when thousands surround me on their daily commute. I had dropped everything when these two people stopped breathing, because, presumably, everything had changed. But according to this highway parking lot and the radio traffic report, the only thing different today is me. I don't know how long the disconnect continues.

4. You feel nothing, and grieving gives you the shits.

5. Actually, you'll feel irritable and might give people you love shit. Remember to apologize and tell them you love them, because life is short.

Loving My Countrymen

"It is your country you must help, not a political party. ...Your party exists in order to serve your country, not to create difficulties for another party or the party in power. So, as a politician, you have to practice non-duality. You have to see that compassion is above any political affiliation. This is not partisan politics but intelligent politics. They are politics that are humane, that aim at the well-being and transformation of society, not just at gaining power."

-Thich Nhat Hanh referring to politics in his nation, France, in Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames, which I'm currently reading to suck less as a Buddhist.