Friday, April 16, 2010

For honesty's sake

It's popular at a certain age to treat dating like a game, one where you manipulate people for sex or free meals, but playing with people's hearts, from whence their lifeblood flows, is cruel. I learned that lesson the hard way, and I decided to not be a player no more.

Hard as this is, I have to be honest with some men who no longer have a chance with me. Here goes...

Tony, Tony, Tony...please. I'm not In the Mood for Love with you anymore. We have to stop this Infernal Affair.

Adrian Brody, you knew from the get-go this was a rebound thing, because you're American Tony Leung, and I can't believe you have the nerve to call me after the Oscars when you kissed Halle Berry on national television. Wutev. Don't look at me like that. I'm engaged now.

George, of course, watching Up in the Air stirred up old feelings, but you're in love (non-committal as ever, but I'm sure she thinks you love her), and I'm in love, too. We will always have Vegas.

Ne-Yo, I really meant it when I saw you last at the Tabernacle. Don't stop writing. You're a great guy. You'll find her. I'm just not her for you.

Richard, I lived in Atlanta for three years, so you had your chance. Sure hope that career at CNN Headline News marinates a steak like I do.

Basta, Gael Garcia Bernal. No te puedo amar nunca mas. Estoy prometida.

I'll admit, David, we had good times on the set of the Tardis, and you're smokin' for a Brit, but all good things come to an end. I'm betrothed.

Jetzt hast du Gruende auf dem Fussballplatz zu weinen, Michael Ballack. Ich bin verlobt. Aber, I'll never forget that World Cup. You are a born leader, you sexy, sexy man.

Stop calling me, Til. I can see your country code on my caller ID, and I can Google that you never finalized that divorce. I'm not going out with you. American girls don't split the tab with German heartthrobs, k? Auf neversehen.

John, I know you want me to think that song was about me, but I loved your whole person, not just the musician songwriter. And now I'm going to marry someone who loves my whole person. Btw, this song is about me and him.

Oh, this one hurts. Satoshi...I know I'm the reason you altered your scene with Rinko Kikuchi in Babel to not sleep with her. It was gallant of you, but now I'm...engaged. Sayonara, my dear.


  1. I'm glad you finally set all these guys straight, Ivy. You wouldn't believe how many Facebook messages I received from them, wondering "Why won't Ivy write me back?" or "Did she get the pony I sent?" Maybe now that you've explained things, I'll get some rest too. Such a shame that the right decision can still result in this much heartbreak, huh?

  2. In retrospect, I feel badly about this Richard Lui bit. Had I known he'd be so hard up covering the oil spill in the Gulf, I would have waited to tell him.



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