Friday, April 17, 2009

Toughest, Most General Post Yet. Help?

"Women are ready to settle down when they meet the right guy; men meet the right girl when they're ready to settle down."

I want badly to blog about this adage, but who wants to ask a girlfriend heartbreaking or heartbroken from devotion unreciprocated to go on record about this?  Who wants to ask a guyfriend whether they mind a blog post about how he dumped a girl after several years and then got engaged to the next girlfriend in mere months (which might hurt both his ex and his beloved)?  NOT ME.  

The few times I've gathered the backbone to even utter this to a girlfriend were for the purpose of shortening already extreme and protracted suffering from a guy that would never commit, but would never have the balls to break up until he was ready to move on and find his wife.  It's agonizing to tell a teary friend that she's amazing, but that her awesomosity might not ever matter to her love.

Perhaps I am a beneficiary of this phenomenon.  I wrote in an older post that my Beloved and I "are different on all the little things, but agree on all the big things."  Would I need the diamond index in the sidebar, if we'd met before he was at a point in his life to consider the big things?  He called just now, and I asked him.  Of course, he says he doesn't know that he would have started thinking about the long term with a different person.  Basically, I couldn't even wretch a solid supporting/detracting anecdote from my own boyfriend. 

I need help writing this post!  Please comment about yours or "your friend's" experiences.  We need details (not the flat archetypes I've been citing) to explore whether this truism is actually true at all.  


  1. What do you wanna know? Shoot me a list of questions then I will answer them all with all honesty.

  2. I lived with a previous girlfriend Sue for 7 years, never really thinking about marriage, it never felt right, several arguments and falling outs. Until I met someone I thought would make me happy, we seemed to click straight away. I left my then girlfriend as I knew it was going nowhere, I then started seeing Sarah, we moved in with each other after 6 weeks and got married six weeks after that in Vegas. Marriage lasted just under 2 years. Still friends with both Sue and Sarah.

    Any questions do ask

  3. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  4. Hi Ivy,

    I found your blog and found it quite interesting. I am myself, a vietnamese girl currently engaged to an Englishman-American born though.

    Anyway for your story, I can speak from the side of the person who is doing the breaking up. I was with a guy for 2 years, we lived together, had a dog, the whole nine. We talked about marriage a lot and as time went on, living together felt like having more of a roommate than a boyfriend. So I withdrew until one day I had the gall to break it off. He admitted he was still in love with me one night after a quick visit at my new place. Sending a text stating he couldn't see me for awhile since he still had very strong feelings for me. As for myself, I had emotionally moved on months ago. Anyway so about 3 months later, I met my now fiance. My ex boyfriend apparently had a very hard time with it and signed up for multiple dating websites and going on many unsuccessful first dates.

    My fiance and I met and instantly knew something was right. We moved in together after 2 months and at 2 years, we got engaged. We are currently planning our wedding. His story was similar to mine, he was with a girl not too long before we met. He was with her for about 3 years, she even followed him from Texas to Florida to be with him. He said he never even thought about marrying her as something didn't "feel right." They fought a lot and she was apparently not the nicest person to live with.

    Anyway, that quote, I do believe it's true..Men commit when the time in their lives are right. Women commit when they think they've found the right one. I think I've found the right one more than once.

  5. I worked at a restaurant in college. One day this awesome (albeit a few years older-I was 20 she was 25 which was a big difference at the time) woman started working there part time. I had a huge crush on her and we were friends for about a year and a half. After the restaurant closed we started hanging out more often and with just each other (previously we had mostly hung out with a group of friends). After a few weeks of this and after a night of hanging out that seemed like a date, the woman drunkenly confessed to me that she had envisioned a grand plan for the two of us. I was about to graduate and was thinking about grad school in Europe. She told me I should go to Europe for a few years, have some "experiences", and then I should come back and we would be together. I think that she certainly was worried that since I was young and had only been in one serious relationship that I wasn't ready to commit to someone.
    Thankfully, I ignored her plan completely, didn't go to Europe, and we essentially began a relationship about a week after the talk. We have been together ever since (the talk was ten years ago in February) and have been married for 7 years.
    My point is that not every guy is that interested in playing the field. I was happy to be with someone I really liked at the time and let it develop into something permanent.

  6. Earlier in 2008 my love of 2.5 years proposed to me with a looming separation. He was returning to his home town, 800 miles away from our current home and without an engagement I could not leave the home that i owned and my career. Little did I (or HE) realize at the time, that he proposed because he knew if he didn’t we would be over and he didn't want to let go so soon of something he wasn’t sure about just yet. So he proposed, I think, with the hopes that he would eventually come around, or force himself too.

    After moving myself the 800 miles to start our life together, reality started to rear its ugly head. He started to make comments like... getting married 1 year and 1 month post engagement was "rushing things", and that we should spend a few YEARS enjoying our engagement. This was followed up by his open and very non-chalant remark that was 99% sure that he no longer wanted to have any kids.

    All big red flashing signs... he proposed without knowing what he really wanted and was ready for.

    I had already gone through the emotional and mental shift of spending the rest of my life with this man, but after 3 months of reality checks I had to do something he wasn't willing to do. I ended the engagement and relationship and moved home. I was in a place he wasn't. He is a very strong willed man that has to come off to his friends, family, and self as a sure fire man who knows exactly what he is doing at all time. He wasn't willing to admit he wasn’t ready to get married even if he did love me with all his heart.

    He is even amazed that to this day, 7 months after we separated, that I can recognize his favorite band's music simply by hearing a few cords on a commercial. But what he doesn’t realize how much I really cared for him for his likes and loves in life. But that’s what its about; being in tune to who each other is. Giving everything and not just everything you are willing to give.

    So now I am single, still haunted from time to time by memories of love lost... but I know I am ready to get married, to have kids, to spend my life with one person from now on. I just have to find the guy that actually does feel the same.

  7. quote from the comment above "but I know I am ready to get married, to have kids, to spend my life with one person from now on. I just have to find the guy that actually does feel the same."

    Well, isn't that the whole hassle? Luckily I am not the person to stick to a convenient relationship that goes nowhere. That's not because I am a strong quitter, it is more because if I feel that there is no love for my love in return, I have a hard time handling this. And usually it hurts more to see that things just grow apart. If my boyfriend would only be a roommate, I could as well live with someone else. Btw, I dont want to move in with my boyfriend until it is clear that we will get married at some point.
    But all the posts here worry me. No one can be sure whether he is not this several-year-convenience relationship ... frankly, if I hear from guys that they think getting married is not necessary and they "don't need a state license" to live with the person they love, it is usually clear that they rather cherish their singlehood until they realize that everyone around them has paired up or is married.
    The idea to invest in 3 years relationship with all its up an downs and its sacrifices and then to be dumped, that really really scares me. To realize to have wasted time and opportunities for someone who was not worth this at all, is an experience that just worries me incredibly.

  8. These are great stories, dear readers! So far only the guy who married his older college co-worker detracts from the adage, but I think it's a telling piece of evidence. I want more views from both sides!! Keep 'em coming!

  9. In responce to the last Anonymous. Even if things don't work out as planned, the last 3 years weren't a waste of time. Use them as a learning experience. It will make you stronger and much more aware of what you are really looking for. Hang in there.

  10. hey Ivy - I am confused. Don't the guys who dated a girl for a long time, split up and then quickly marry someone else seem on some level to go counter to the adage? It seems like one could interpret it both ways... The adage says that women feel ready when they meet the right one... that sounds a lot like how the guys feel when they meet the new girlfriend - they never felt "ready to settle down" before, until they met the one who was a good enough fit for them to feel comfortable with.

    on the other hand if the point of the adage is that guys don't really make the effort to really find the *right* person once they're ready to settle, then it makes sense. but does this imply that the adage means that all guys think of their relationships as "until something better comes along" until they reach that point in their lives?

    what do you think?

    ps i love the cross-cultural relationship posts, and your blog in general





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