Cure for Cold Feet

A girlfriend said, "Imagine taking a guy's shirt off and seeing this." I'm posting this ad so someone can refer me to it if I get cold feet before the wedding. It reminds me that while my single life is worth a good bit of nostalgia, there are some distinct perks to committing to a partner with known abs.

Actually, I kind of want one for myself.

News Roundup: I Procrastinate, So You Can, Too!

Gay Sex Decriminalised in India
Actually, just in Delhi, and the ruling might be overturned by the high court. Gay rights groups and the Indian government's HIV/Aids control body are elated for homosexuality to be legalised, while clerics and old people are among those shaking their fists at gay revelers covered in celebratory vermilion, hugging and dancing in the streets. India's a democracy, so I'm sure they'll deal. (See the BBC story.)

She's Just Not That into You
All us girls who have accidentally left a trail of broken hearts, we just got called out. (See thestimulist.com essay.)

Home Is Next to the One You Love, Especially if You're Homeless
I like to read wedding announcement articles, k? You got a problem with that? Huh! I will cut somebody! Seriously, this wedding story is the only one I've ever read that had me on the verge of tears. Congratulations, Jennifer and Paul, on your nuptials and overcoming your demons. (See the nytimes.com article.)

My Boyfriend Meets My Parents
I know those of you in intercultural relationships are following this story closely. My Beloved of nearly two years met my father about a week ago, and he handled it like a champ. My father, when questioned directly, "So? Do you hate him?" said, "No, I don't hate him - but I can't love him either." Ha! We'll see about that! This weekend, we're going to surprise my mother for her birthday. She's in an intercultural relationship herself, but her standards for men having their business together is very, very high. Expect a wildly entertaining account of the interrogation soon. (See me in Texas.)

HAPPY BELATED CANADA DAY! HAPPY PREEMPTIVE FOURTH OF JULY!

Stop Frontin'

I had a chat with a friend yesterday that I could have had with thousands of other women. Do you recognize yourself anywhere in this conversation?

Friend: my guy friends tell me that I come off demanding and hard to approach, and my girlfriends tell me that I'm too hard on guys, but I don't want to be a pushover

Ivy: do you feel that people don't really know the real you when they first meet you?

Friend: yes, and many people have told me after knowing me for awhile "when I first met you I thought you hated me"

Ivy: hahaha! so what do you think people think about you at first? and what do you think people realize after they finally get to know you?

Friend: I think it's in the look I give them. I developed the look to turn off scrubs, but I think it turns off stud muffins as well.

Friend: at first, they think I'm very serious

Friend: once they get to know me, though, they realize that yes, I work hard, but I have maybe one serious bone in my body

Friend: most people also think that I'm quiet when they first meet me, but then realize the exact opposite is true

Ivy: so what should your ideal man love about you?

Friend: the fact that i have my own mind, that I have goals and opinions, that I'm there no matter what

Ivy: ok, so you're loyal, you're opinionated, independent and you have a sense of humor

Ivy: if a guy isn't in love with those 4 things, he needn't apply. Right?

Friend: Correct!

Ivy: ok, so how is the man who is scouring the earth looking for you, the loyal, opinionated, funny, independent woman of his dreams supposed to know you when he sees you, if you're scowling and keep your opinions to yourself when he meets you?

Ivy: you're wearing camo! how's he supposed to find you that way?

Friend: I never thought about it like that. I need to stop making it so hard for the hunter

Ivy: if the scrubs come, just say no, which you have no problem doing.

Ivy: luckily, the real you is awesome, and your laugh and smile are gorgeous!! so if you're just you all the time, people will just come.

Ivy: it's so awkward when people ask for advice, and all i can say is "stop being a douchebag"

Women today, we're strong. We have to be. Who has time for a breakup before a major client presentation? Sometimes, though, we misinterpret braggadocio for strength. For example, I met a joyful woman at a bachelorette getaway last weekend who declared loudly that all she wanted was a boytoy to pleasure and dine her and be disposed by her when she goes to grad school. Then, in other moments, she quietly suggested she might really want to love and to be loved - which she'd be great at, I think - and she wondered why that eluded her.

We put up walls of bombast and bitchiness to protect ourselves from those who might break our hearts, and we're afraid that people will see through these disguises, but the worst thing that can happen is that no one does. There is no valor nor gain to be had in hiding. In Eleanor Roosevelt's words, "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." And it can be terrifying to simply be your humanly vulnerable or goofy or imperfectly beautiful or malaproptastic self, but love's looking for you -- just as you are.

Toughest, Most General Post Yet. Help?

"Women are ready to settle down when they meet the right guy; men meet the right girl when they're ready to settle down."

I want badly to blog about this adage, but who wants to ask a girlfriend heartbreaking or heartbroken from devotion unreciprocated to go on record about this?  Who wants to ask a guyfriend whether they mind a blog post about how he dumped a girl after several years and then got engaged to the next girlfriend in mere months (which might hurt both his ex and his beloved)?  NOT ME.  

The few times I've gathered the backbone to even utter this to a girlfriend were for the purpose of shortening already extreme and protracted suffering from a guy that would never commit, but would never have the balls to break up until he was ready to move on and find his wife.  It's agonizing to tell a teary friend that she's amazing, but that her awesomosity might not ever matter to her love.

Perhaps I am a beneficiary of this phenomenon.  I wrote in an older post that my Beloved and I "are different on all the little things, but agree on all the big things."  Would I need the diamond index in the sidebar, if we'd met before he was at a point in his life to consider the big things?  He called just now, and I asked him.  Of course, he says he doesn't know that he would have started thinking about the long term with a different person.  Basically, I couldn't even wretch a solid supporting/detracting anecdote from my own boyfriend. 

I need help writing this post!  Please comment about yours or "your friend's" experiences.  We need details (not the flat archetypes I've been citing) to explore whether this truism is actually true at all.  

7 Scary Truths about Getting Engaged

Several of my friends (De'A! Priya! Steph! EJo!) have recently gotten engaged, and this article is for you.

"The blender from him that was a testament to your margarita-making skills now seems like a domestic shackle." -Colleen Rush

Be Honest with Your Matchmaker

It's ok to be single. Screw everyone who tells you you are only whole as part of a pair. Love is a high stakes game, not for the faint of heart. If you're not up for another heartbreak just yet, or you are having too much fun to settle down, or you prefer being single so you have something to complain about, or if for any other reason you are not really ready or interested in loving another, I'm not the one hating on you. Just please be honest with your matchmaker instead of wasting her time with your excuses. Thank you.

Just to review:
You are NOT too busy to have a bloody cup of coffee with someone.

Being within a 10-mile radius of your residence has nothing to do with a person's character. I am going to at least two weddings from long-distance relationships this year.

You have nothing to "think about" when you have only basic info about someone. Meet the blind date, and then "think about it." That's how dating works. You actually have to meet people before you make judgmental generalizations about them. And no, just because that blind date didn't turn out to be "The One" doesn't mean it was a waste of time. You can learn something from anybody, if you keep an open mind!

It's not that there aren't quality people out there, it's that you're extremely picky. No matter how many times you insist you are laid-back and easy to please, you are extremely picky. No need to lower standards, but seriously, what does race, wine preference, or knowledge of certain movies have to do with building a life partnership?

Shut up. And Love.

Procrastinating cuz I'm a wimp

Avoiding my computer to avoid writing the first original Shut Up and Love blog post hasn’t really been doing me any favors. I dreamt last night that the blogosphere (personified by a lurid, glass-eyed repairman cum child molester in an anonymous white van) was chasing after me, driving through buildings.

I procrastinated even starting this blog, because I dreaded having my failure-of-a-blog searchable on THE Internet - forever. I’ve done these evasive maneuvers before. I avoided any potential partner for damn near a year after a brutal breakup, because I was afraid my next failure-of-a-relationship would run me over. Obviously, I didn’t acknowledge my gun-shyness then. I pouted, “Why isn’t there anyone in the state of Georgia who will sleep with me?” Really, past self? Really, no one in this entire great state will sleep with you?

I was like the INS interviewer from Hell. [Are you emotionally available? Yes? APPLICATION DENIED! (end scene)] I would only allow myself to be attracted to men from out-of-state or married men or men with serious immigration status problems, and there were plenty. Seriously, I might have never run out of excuses not to fall in love again. Ultimately, I was tricked by a strapping foreigner who I thought would surely return to Germany when he finished his PhD – what a convenient exit strategy and how much fun we could have until then! Today, we’ve been together for 15 months, and I went to Frankfurt to meet his parents just this Christmas. I am disgustingly in love, and I’m really sorry for all the freakouts I had when I realized too late that you actually wanted a healthy relationship.