Mental Illness: Part I

When your friend gets a cold, you make her tea and bring her soup. When your father drops a chainsaw on his foot, you call 911 and put the severed toe in a plastic bag in a bowl of ice (never the digit directly on the ice). What do you do when someone hurts in their soul from mental illness? I’ve interviewed nearly a dozen friends dealing with mental illness in themselves and loved ones to find out how best to support your loved ones when the ish hits the mental fan. Here's the first in the series of posts.

Don't try to "fix" the problem, because you can't.
While everyone else is saying, "Things'll get better!" because they're supposed to say things like that, the friend that acknowledges, "Dude, that fucking sucks" is a friend indeed. Imagine, you feel the Feds are out to get you, but since you’ve been diagnosed schizophrenic, you tell yourself they probably aren't. You see cars coming at you even though you're outside your apartment and nowhere near the freeway, so you will yourself to keep walking. But you know with certainty that this situation sucks, and there is no cure - but then everyone around you tells you that everything's actually going to be ok! Wouldn't that just make you crazy?

It's painful to see someone you love suffering, and you feel compelled to do something, but this is not the time for platitudes and cheery kitten cards. Things that cheer up most people don’t work for someone in the valley of clinical depression. Remember that mental illness is an issue of the brain muscle, not willpower. Resist the urge to barrage your loved one with suggestions to solve the problem. Chances are, he or she has already thought through many of your suggestions, as they're merely sick, not stupid, so let the doctors do their job.

Do educate yourself
People who are fortunate enough to get their mental illnesses diagnosed have one of two stories to tell about their loved ones’ reactions: either they felt abandoned (by a parent, for example) who refused to acknowledge or learn about the illness, OR they felt loved when a beloved went out and read every book on their diagnosis. The most genuine gesture of support you can give is to educate yourself about your love's diagnosis.

• Good Old-Fashioned Books are a good start. I've listed some of my personal favorites in the sidebar, where you can buy them from Amazon directly and support this site.
• National Alliance on Mental Illness is a nonprofit with excellent resources.
• National Institute of Mental Health is part of the government supported National Institutes of Health research organizations.
• The Icarus Project is a nonprofit network of people living with mental illnesses. Their site also has great free information.

More do's and don'ts of supporting your loves with mental illnesses to come. Meanwhile, I'm still taking stories and ideas. Peace!

How NOT to divorce

While this is morbidly entertaining, demanding his donated kidney back (or $1.5 million; who's life is worth that much in a court of law nowadays?) is petty and groundless. Divorce is complicated and painful, especially if dragged on for four years like this one has. You can't very well send your ex a box of old house and children; they're not like CDs and sweaters. He is understandably deeply hurt by his ex-wife's betrayal, but using this kidney to hurt her back will only make his lawyer feel better. Gifts belong to the recipient and do not need to be returned in a split(except for conditional gifts, such as an engagement ring if a split happens before the wedding).