Fight songs for lovers

Getting married isn't an accomplishment, but staying married is, and staying married is an accomplishment I'd like the bragging rights to one day. Today, for example: still married.

John Gottman, who runs the famous Love Lab (his book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work below), has data that proves that long-lasting couples don't disagree any less than troubled couples do. That's a relief, because my Beloved and I disagree ALL THE TIME.

Sometimes, these disagreements cannot really be resolved. Gottman says that's ok and sort of inevitable. A person with a bad elbow, he'd explain, can live a great life as long as he doesn't make playing tennis a central part of it. Cute metaphor, Johnny-boy, but it's not my elbow! It's my husband. How do I not I kill him? I use this playlist:

"Post-Marriage" Counseling

Behold, the intersection of three of my favorite topics: relationships, metaphor, and branding:
Thanks, @catherinefaas and @GuyKawasaki!

Pain is not Suffering

Pain is unavoidable, but suffering is optional. -Not2wo blog post "The Dharma of Rooster Sauce"

I posted the one of the recent best Modern Love columns on the Shut Up and Love Facebook Fan Page last week, but I didn't know what I could possibly add to it. The writer's husband tries to leave her, but she realizes that he's working through issues that have nothing to do with her and so gets out of the way until he could figure out what she'd already knew:

"When life’s knocked us around. And our childhood myths reveal themselves to be just that. The truth feels like the biggest sucker-punch of them all: it’s not a spouse or land or a job or money that brings us happiness. Those achievements, those relationships, can enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness has to start from within." -Laura A. Munson

In the end, the writer's enlightened handling of her husband's issues and understanding of the nature of peace kept her family together, but it would have served her well, too, even if they had decided to divorce. A friend once asked, "What are you supposed to do with emotions you want to express to an ex that you can't?" This sensation of suppressed emotions is a common post-break-up problem, and the answer is to do just what the wife in this article did:

"I’d recently committed to a non-negotiable understanding with myself. I’d committed to 'The End of Suffering.' I’d finally managed to exile the voices in my head that told me my personal happiness was only as good as my outward success, rooted in things that were often outside my control."

This house smells of Ghosts by Chrissie White

Accept that your happiness has nothing to do with what your ex knows (i.e. your anger) or feels (i.e. remorse) or gets served (i.e. revenge, cold), because your ex is external from you. Then, you can work through the natural pain of mourning the end of a relationship even as you practice personal peace. Surely, the pain will hurt, some days worse than other, but not expecting things outside of your control (or waiting for something outside the realm of possibility) protects the heart from too much suffering.

Routing Resentment: Talk to each other!

I clutched my Beloved last night watching Jon and Kate Plus 8 as the parents explained their decision to separate. It was sad, of course, but also frightening. Could that happen to us if we married? The answer is, of course, yes, it could. Any couple could go from this:


to divorced without caution. I'd heard all the gossip blaming the fame and the show or the multiple children or one spouse or the other, but none of those theories hold water. The paparazzi complicate their lives, but unfamous couples have complications, too, like layoffs, ailing relatives, sick children, or mental illnesses. Children are challenging, but plenty of big families stay together.

The episode opened with a disagreement about where to put the children's playhouses, which could have been discussed in the planning stages in place of broiling silence and resentment. Then, in the separation interviews, Jon said, "I've never been a good communicator," and she said, "He won't talk to me." How long had they been like two workers on the Tower of Babel, unable to communicate to move a single brick? Today, I haven't found a single commentary blaming the breakdown in communication, perhaps because we want to believe that only "freakishly" large families or reality TV exhibitionists can end up so far from where they thought they were going. (In my searching, though, I found plenty of people calling them gook and bitch in Youtube comments. Sigh. This blog's got work to do, so please share it with all the ignorant Youtube members you may know.)

May you, dear reader, nor I ever choke on our anger or resentment so much that we swallow it until it swallows us. In that spirit, I want to clear the air with My Beloved: I'm sorry I didn't replace the toilet paper roll when I used the last square last night. I must be hard to love when my brains scatter about your tidy abode. Though I forget a lot of things, know that I never forget that I love you even when it seems like I scorn your structure. Really, I think your structure's great! Love, Ivy

Money Mistakes of Newlyweds

Conventional wisdom says that financial troubles are the cause of most marital strife. Research is thin on the correlation, but this Kiplinger article "Six Money Mistakes of Newlyweds" gives advice that applies to any realm of a life-long union: don't keep secrets, communicate, work as a team, and don't sweat the small stuff.

Hope for Future Family, from Mom

Sometimes, coming from a divorced family, I wonder whether knowing what NOT to do will be enough to build a strong, loving family of my own, or if I'm doomed to repeat history. Recently, my mom heard one of my brothers weeping in his sleep and woke him up. He said he was dreaming about this one Christmas when we were all together and happy with our toys by the tree.

My mom told him, "No need to be sad about the family you don't have anymore. Even the happiest families' children grow up and leave the nest. Change is natural. But you'll have your own family one day, and you can make your traditions just how you like them, and you can fill your house with love just like in your dream."

Here's a pic of that family we miss. (Click it to enlarge.)

But y'know, I love the family I have, and here's looking forward to the family I'll start someday.

How NOT to divorce

While this is morbidly entertaining, demanding his donated kidney back (or $1.5 million; who's life is worth that much in a court of law nowadays?) is petty and groundless. Divorce is complicated and painful, especially if dragged on for four years like this one has. You can't very well send your ex a box of old house and children; they're not like CDs and sweaters. He is understandably deeply hurt by his ex-wife's betrayal, but using this kidney to hurt her back will only make his lawyer feel better. Gifts belong to the recipient and do not need to be returned in a split(except for conditional gifts, such as an engagement ring if a split happens before the wedding).